If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plant life, as well as most types of rock. When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper. You have graduated more great fictitious Americans than any other college. All master’s degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. Emergency Notification More details. And yet his failure to completely become his hero made him the funniest person of his generation.
I’d like to end my address by breaking a taboo and quoting myself from 17 months ago. To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns. Incidentally, speaking of Mr. It looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor: I threw together a national tour. I almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my eye. Man, can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions?
I went from being in the center of the grid to not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid orien on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid. Though the College has chosen political and social leaders to give past Commencement addresses, the College has decided to go with a different route this year.
The only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and Mexican drug cartels. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you.
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In —in —I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. Good luck with that degree. Zuckerberg, only at Harvard would someone have to invent graduatoin massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room. I call it “The Conan Doctrine.
What Seniors Want in a Commencement Speaker
He emulated Jack Benny, but his own quirks and mannerisms, along with a changing medium, pulled him in a different direction. But that is not true. In fact, this is my second time coming here. Even when they promise you for five years that they are going to leave—and say it on television —I mean you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they won’t come back. Dartmouth was a very different place back then.
When I arrived I took a deep dartmiuth of this crisp New England air and thought, “Wow, I’m in the state that’s next to the state where Ben and Jerry’s ice cream is made. For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show.
I am not bright and I have a lot of free time. In fact, this is my second time coming here. The faculty council on honorary degrees then examines the list of nominations and chooses a select few candidates for consideration by the President and The Board of Trustees.
I went from being in the center of the grid to not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid.
You all mumble that part. Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest. What the hell is this thing? Besides policy, another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like “reach for the stars.
And, I have to tell you this: At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said “Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.
When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper. Don’t let those bastards do it. In —in —I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it.
But that is not true. What the hell is this thing? But don’t get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously.
In some ways graduatin was, but in many ways he wasn’t. College spokesperson Diana Lawrence wrote in an email statement that a long yearly process takes place for selecting a Commencement speaker. Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing reruns, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old, black woman.
Dartmouth class of rules!